transformation of a fatty

Last spring I joined a gym.  My friend got me into playing racquetball which was a total blast.  A couple of months later I had a messed up elbow and so cooled off on that and started doing more weights.  The goal was to lose a couple of pounds and feel better about myself.  At one point in February 2012 I was weighing in at 250 on a friends scale.  I carry the weight better because I'm tall but I knew I could feel the weight on me.  I felt sluggish and just clumsy.  It's hard to describe really but I knew something was wrong.

Fast forward to November.  It's cold and crummy out.  Holidays coming up which means lots of food and erratic lifestyle patterns.  I kept hitting the gym 2-3 nights a week.  Weights with some racquetball on occasion.  Weight hovering consistently around 242-245.

My boost came from signing up for the site myfittnesspal.com (MFP) after my doctor recommended it.  It's the first time I've used any site like this.  It's been a way to be honest with myself.  I'll eat whatever I want and do whatever I want still.  The catch is I'm forcing myself to record what I'm consuming and doing.  Not getting too over the top recording every little thing in there but it's been a real eye opening experience.

What I like the most is the way it crunches the number.  It figures out how much you are allotted for different categories like: calories, carbs, sat fat (something i need to stay away from), protein, cholesterol, and sodium (another one for me to avoid).  It shows me more or less what I've got allowed for the day.  After the gym I enter how long I rode a bike and other cardio stuff and so it increases what I'm allotted for the day.  Most importantly, it's a way to immediately what the consequences are for some of my consumption choices.  I had a frozen pizza one night.  Didn't lie about it and entered it in there and saw the outcome.  I've got no one to blame but myself for the results.

I'm not overly religious about using MFP.  I use it during the week.  Weekends is more difficult because I cook and wind up eating out too much with my g/friend.  I also drink A LOT on the weekends.  Even with allowing myself to slip on the weekends, I've had good results from this.  The week before Christmas I weighed in at 238!  I've not seen that weight in a couple of years!!!

So here it is after the holiday season.  It's Friday.  Tonight I'll weigh in and see that I'm in the 245 range again.  I can feel it. I'm OK with that.  I didn't do much at the gym in almost a month and this is all my fault.  I can't dwell on this too much. Next week will be better.  I've had my fun.  It's back to work.

A bad day eating + lots of alcohol and no gym action  :(

A good day eating + cardio at the gym :)

My point is that I'm looking forward making a strong push with this in the coming months.  I'm looking forward to using MFP in addition to my growing workout routine and seeing the results.  I'm happy with my progress in the past year.  From the couch, to racquetball, to weights, all in a year... it's been a (hopefully) life changing experience.  I'm looking forward to that "lean" feel i had just a couple of weeks ago.  I'm looking forward to going to bed at night semi sore from the gym and sleeping like a rock.  I'm looking forward to NOT waking up on a random morning with a sore back or neck because i slept wrong or did something stupid.  I'm doing this for myself.  I'm doing this so I can physically feel the way i feel mentally.  I'm doing this for me and to hell with everyone else.

Trump offers $5 Million

... For Obama's college records!

Don't say this isn't for publicity because it is.  It's shit like this that kept Trump from running for president.  It's easier to sit on the sideline and lob a hand full of mud whenever it suits you knowing that your target can't fight every single person that is opposing them.  This isn't about finding out "answers that Americans want to know".  This is about pressing your own agenda.  Why else wait until after all debating is over and elections are 2 weeks out?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is exactly what happens when the rich opt to be political.  With this one outburst, issues which were long laid to rest and forgotten are back at the forefront.  Apparently it's more important to nit pick over a piece of paper saying I WAS BORN IN THE U-S-OF-A after years of no one questioning, than it is to focus on real issues.

Even if the college records come back clean and prove that Obama enrolled as a citizen (which people will continue to doubt), all it takes is one course in his transcripts to be a public relations disaster.  Guess what.  I took a class about Nazi Germany.  A lot of people took that class.  I can safely say that hundreds of people took that class with the same teacher while it was offered at my university.  One of my TA's was a self described "Sovietologist".  STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES BECAUSE I MUST BE A SOCIALIST!  One class.  That's all i took.  I got a "B" in the class.  Does that make me a "pinko" or a "skinhead"?

This blood lust for a witch hunt must stop in American politics.  We're tearing ourselves apart and no one sees it.  The polarization between both sides will tear the country apart.  I/we live in a world where politically it's now either or but never both.  Either you're for the war in Iraq or you hate all troops.  You can't be for the troops but against their current mission.

Record amounts of money is being spent on campaigns by anonymous donors.  Donors who we have no idea what their ultimate agenda is.  How much of this money is foreign?  How much money are hostile countries dumping into both sides of the campaign to escalate the tensions and throw more gas on what will be a glorious bonfire?

What happened to the buzz phrase "create jobs"?  Think about how much that $5 million that trump is offering would help a couple of businesses RETAIN JOBS.  How much would that help the Mexican government in their fight against the cartels that have turned the Southern border into a quasi war zone?  How much would that help rebels in Syria because lord knows the US needs another ally in the region after Israel gets vaporized?

What makes me the most sick is that I read the articles surrounding this stunt and i actually wasted my time thinking and writing about it which in turn feeds the fire.  If we all ignore people like Trump and the Kardashians, much like a bad fart, they'll eventually go away into the realm of mediocrity.

Reinventing the blog

I struggle with coming up with something that is not only worth writing but worth reading a lot of days.  I've toyed with different directions to go with this blog for years.  Most importantly, I've wrestled with the ongoing lack of direction.  It's that lack of direction that has me too intimidated to write anything.

It's time for a change.

I've said this before and once again i'm going to try to commit myself to writing more often.  Instead of intelligent pieces that are thought out, i think i'm going to use this medium as my anti-twitter.  No character limits here.  No random comments about what i'm eating for lunch.  Instead i'm going to just spout off with whatever comes to mind.  Some of it will be offensive.  Most of it will be just mindless dribble.

Welcome to my world!

IM conversations

Oh the joys of getting sucked into domestic disputes!  This is a conversation between a friend of mine (JC) and her friend (AB).  Keep in mind that this conversation is on their corporate IM client.  AB got dumped in 06/2011 and this is from 09/14/2011.

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JC(09:23:27): Good Morning, My AB!
JC(09:23:36): We have out Rock N Roll Kick off today
AB(09:23:38): he says he never wants to see or speak to me again
JC(09:23:47): I dressed up as 80's Madonna
JC(09:24:08): Did he say that to you? Or that was the email to the therapist?
AB(09:27:01): he emailed that to me
AB(09:27:25): i don't know if he replied to the therapist or not. i won't know until tomorrow at my appointment
AB(09:28:25): i tried to discuss the awful name he called me and he said he wouldnt EVER apologize to me
JC(09:29:34): I think you need to let him go, honey.
AB(09:30:10): he has no reason to be treating me like this. i deserve to know why
JC(09:30:47): Break ups don't always have a 'why'
JC(09:30:59): You may be asking a question that doesn't have an answer
JC(09:31:17): Something go left unanswered.
AB(09:31:58): there has to be a reason, it just doesn't happen
JC(09:32:10): Things 'just happen' all the time
JC(09:32:18): Why did I miscarry?
JC(09:32:23): Why is SC [someone who suddenly passed away recently] gone?
AB(09:32:34): those things are different
JC(09:32:40): Why did your relalatioship fail?
AB(09:33:10): there definitely should be an answer for that - you don't spend 7 years with someone and BOOM they don't love you anymore
AB(09:35:21): he told me God put him in my life but i pushed him out - he should be able to explain that
JC(09:35:56): If you were given a 'why' - - - what would you then do?
JC(09:36:03): Would you say thank you and leave it there?
JC(09:36:58): Or would you continue the conversation and try to 'fix' things?
JC(09:37:33): I just think the answer he may have for you still won't help=
 you?
AB(09:38:16): i would say thank you and then continue to fix myself
AB(09:45:48): do you know something that i don't?
JC(09:46:48): Huh???
AB(09:47:13): i get the feeling you know why
JC(09:47:33): ab. . .
JC(09:47:36): seriously
JC(09:47:39): you just don't trust me.
JC(09:47:51): I know nothing more than I already told you
JC(09:48:37): Haven't talked to him since he texted me that you were in need of help.
JC(09:48:53): I don't want to talk to him
JC(09:49:11): Everytime I do, you get pissed at me and think I'm hiding something
JC(09:51:30): You're pushing me away, and I'm trying to be a shoulder for you as best I can. i don't have any vaca left, or I would be at your side.  I call you about once a week. I try to keep the communication channel open for you , but you seriously don't trust me. It's sort of bothering me, to tell you the truth. I would NEVER do anything to hurt you. I would NEVER try to be 'sneaky' or go behind your back. . . but for some reason you think I would do that.
AB(09:53:46): of course i trust you. but i also know you are a woman of your word and if you tell someone you won't say something you will do that because you are a good person
JC(09:54:20): Of course I would. But not at the expense of you.
AB(09:58:58): im sorry you feel that i don't trust you. i'm a jacked up mess JC. I don't know which way is up somedays. thank you for being my friend and i know you would be here if you could.

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I love people.  Those that know me know i have little patience for stuff like that.  When I encounter situations like this I don't sugar coat it and spell it out in black and white.  JC actually asked me if she was too harsh on AB.  I almost laughed.  Some people wonder why i have 'so few friends'.  It's not that i have 'so few friends'.  It's that if i even smell a situation like this coming my way I avoid it like the plague.

This is me.  This is me going in the opposite direction.  Any questions?

Racing Through Life

When did life become a race?  It seems as though I missed the memo that I am supposed to be like my peers and running around under a self imposed deadline to accomplish 'goals'.  Mainstream media tries to tell us that 40 is the new 30.  At the same time I look around and see people treating 30 as the new 50.  Some are striving to be older than advertised in the hopes of using their false maturity as leverage to advance their agenda of being perceived as 'older and more stable' for both personal and professional purposes.

I am viewed as a 'failure' by a lot of people (both friends and family).  They won't come right out and say it but this is how I am viewed.  I'm viewed as such because I didn't buy into their notion that I'm supposed to have a two car garage by now with a matching family and a Weber grill that will make me the envy of the neighborhood.  I have next to nothing set aside for retirement because i opted to quit a shitty job 10 years ago and go back to school in order to better myself.  I did not pursue a field of study that would have easily enabled this mythical dream world to happen.  I chose to study what interested me which lead to my growing mentally and emotionally as a human being as opposed to a more acceptable worker drone.

Now I'm looked down upon because I'm 'behind the curve' in terms of accumulation of the 'goals' that my peers are racing towards.  My maturity is quietly questioned by those that know me socially.  My stability is questioned by both prospective employers and casual acquaintances.  I'm chasing a different dream than what others are chasing and for that I am an oddity.  You're more than welcome to look down upon me now but please don't call me when you're suffering from a midlife crisis after you realize you have attained all of these milestones that you raced towards and realized that you're stressed about keeping up the charade.

There must be something wrong with this individual who dared to quit their job when buying a new car was within his grasp.  There's clearly something wrong with someone who walked away from a job with benefits all to risk being penniless.

Them: What would your ideal job be right now if you could do anything?

Me: A gardener.

Them: Ahh… Agriculture.

Me: No.  Just a gardener.

Them: That's it?

Me: Yes.

Clearly there's something wrong with this one.  We should be sure to distance ourselves from him for fear of the unknown that he brings.

I think the reason why I'm refusing to run this race that I see others caught up in is because the finish line should not be the ultimate goal.  The journey is more important to me than the destination.  It's the experiences in this journey that make us who we are and give us the knowledge to pass on to the next generation with the hopes of not repeating our mistakes.  Age comes in time.  I'll get there when I get there.  In the meantime there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying where you are chronologically.  I accept my branding as a 'failure' by those that don't understand this because i sleep soundly every night perfectly content with who i am.

See ya at the finish line...

Slowing Down

I have no job. I quit my job a month ago because i was burnt out, strung out, wiped out, and mentally drained. I have no regrets. The end.

Life has slowed down for me these days. There is some pretty annoying construction that i have to deal with whenever i want to go anywhere on the freeway. I see people swerving in and out of lanes while jockeying for a better spot only to come to a halt again. I am the asshole who goes slower when there's a growing gap between myself and the cars ahead of me. No point in rushing when we're going to slam on our brakes after this bend and cause even more panic breaking. I coast at a leisure pace through it all and pull up alongside of those that passed me earlier and keep on coasting through. Barely tapping the brakes. The traffic doesn't bother me because i know it's there, there's no way to avoid it, and I'm in no rush.

Approximately 10 minutes north of me and through a couple of suburbs is where a friend of mine lives. Gas is hovering around $4/gallon and i have only my savings. I walk there. It takes approximately 50 minutes one way to walk there at a steady pace. The walk is calming. Never realized some of the little things I see on stretches of road I've gone down all of my life. Never realized that some boring looking apartment complex with dark red bricks and very bright white trim has an indoor pool. I forgot that my feet can actually be tender and my legs can be slightly sore from walking that much.

According to the calendar the season is supposed to be spring. On occasion the weather actually resembles that.

I've found myself being more polite than usual when out in public. Letting people cut in line at the grocery store. Holding the door for someone who is more than 2 steps behind me and more like 10 steps behind. I've got time and I'm in no rush.

As i reflect more and more i feel as though i recently woke up from a long sleep. I feel as though i dreamt the past couple of years of my life while not knowing when exactly it was that i slipped off into this dream world. The fog is lifting day by day. I don't know who i am anymore but I'm liking where this is going. Income is a looming concern of mine but I'm fighting constantly with it to keep it very much a secondary concern.

I have no job. I quit my job a month ago because i was burnt out, strung out, wiped out, and emotionally drained. I refuse to allow myself to have any regrets. This is the beginning.