Holidays and i don't get along too well. Year in and year out it's the same thing. Once upon a time i loved them. Then i came of age which coincided with my family intensifying the internal bickering.
Here it is the eve of Thanksgiving. I wonder how many people truly grasp the meaning of the name or even the concept of "thanksgiving". This is traditionally the time of year that i begin to reflect and prepare for the mental anguish of the holiday season. This year is harder than usual for me. I normally make a mental list of what i'm thankful for and carry it within me through the season as a source of both pride and strength.
Next monday i start a job that i dread. I've not had stable work since late February. I've been kicked in the face so many times from interviews that the sting of rejection doesn't even register anymore. I'm more surprised by rejection from a girl than i am from a job these days.
This is when i look back at the past year in a vain attempt at finding elements to be proud of. This year is more difficult than others it seems. I've managed to squander my savings away while waiting for the ideal job to come up. It never came up. My savings is nearly wiped out, i owe my parents (and the gov) a lot of money, my house is still a disaster, dating prospects are a joke at best, employment prospects are abysmal, and the future looks bleak.
As i look around i have difficulty finding things to be thankful for. A hand full of friends to confide in and empty promises. Not much different there.....
This is hard. Evaluating your life and comparing over a set amount of time (one year) versus another time frame (previous years). Most people say that they're thankful fo friends and family and other random shallow blessings. I'm not one of those people. I believe in saying i'm thankful for things that i'm truly thankful for. What is the point in saying mentioning something that you don't truly believe? I was told recently that i should be proud of my degree. How can you be proud of a monumental event like that when no one in the greater population respects or even acknowledges its existence?
Until this year i have prided myself on my work history. Whether it was working at Pick N Save or at STS or whatever else, i've always been damn proud of my accomplishments. I feel as though i've lost my sense of direction some days. I'm drifting. Stumbling through odd jobs while people sing my praises in one ear and then crush my dreams in the other.
In the next couple days i will make my "Thanksgiving list" which consists of what i am truly thankful for. It worries me that i don't have much of anything to record this year. I've never been one for accumulating a lot of things in any given field. Universally, i'd much rather have quality over quantity any day of the week. Some days, it seems that the quality is also becoming rather scarce.
Coming soon: The Thanksgiving List
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